Sunday, February 9, 2014

My Supporting Role

I'm not sure that I have a certain "type" of guy that I usually go for (read: I'll fuck anyone.) While I would like to think my type falls somewhere in between "Jon Stewart meets Michael Bluth", a look back at my dating history shows that I more accurately choose guys who could potentially be nicknamed "Scrotie" or any of the white-trashy characters Peter Sarsgaard always plays. I've dated types from "that naked guy from that house party" to "guy Axl Rose dancing by himself in the corner of a dark bar" and so many others in between. So I guess maybe "wasted" is my type? I don't know, let's not put labels on things you guys.
Having dated all these dudes, I've been allowed the privilege of/forced against my will to hang out with their friends, which, looking back, makes me realize that I am not a very good "supporting role" character. I either need to be a main character, or a silent extra that you kind of see but forget about as soon as someone more attractive starts talking again. Being one of those "you'll either love her or you'll hate her" persons, I'm not a good acquaintance. Is it because they can already sense the overwhelming sense of disgust and resentment I'm feeling toward you, foreseeing an end in sight but not quite done attempting to change you to fit the idea of what I thought this relationship was going to look like? Well, I didn't say that but if that's what you're thinking, then...

Any of the below theories may be the reason why.

1. Not super hot. When your man-friend introduces you to his male friends, you will definitely not be remembered by them unless they happen to want to fuck you themselves, or you do something really memorable such as pass out and/or barf (GUIL-TY!) I've never asked a guy friend what he thought of another guy's girlfriend and heard anything other than "fucking wicked hot" or "OK", the latter translated literally from "I don't remember meeting anyone's girlfriend." I am not the aforementioned by a long shot. In fact, most people that I've dated haven't even been interested in me until after they've gotten to know me. I know, I know, the classic "ehhh, he only likes me for my mind and he thinks I'm funny, ehhh" but would it be so much to ask to NOT be the girl you're asking if the other girl you're out with is single, JUST ONCE?! Is it so wrong that I want your friends to want to fuck me?! Here, she says it better than I can...

2. Terrified of being quiet girlfriend. I have had enough male friends to know that when the girlfriend of a friend isn't, indeed, "fucking wicked hot" she will often and unfairly be referred to as "(person's name)'s quiet girlfriend" which I am most certainly and at all costs NOT willing to be referred to. So I talk. And talk, and talk and talk, about anything, usually managing to say the exact wrong thing. I will tell ridiculous jokes and laugh at them myself, and then attempt to rope people back into said joke after the conversation has naturally progressed to another topic. Basically, at the risk of seeming shy and polite, I will leave your friends wondering what ever happened to that shy and polite girl you dated before me.

3. My boyfriend (your friend) tells you stories about how shitty I am. Alright, you know what? Relationships are complicated, delicate and subjective little organisms, and should remain private, so stop fucking judging me based solely on a totally biased interpretation of what happened because I KNOW FUCKED UP SHIT ABOUT YOU TOO, pays for handjobs-guy.

4. She's funny. A little too funny. So I don't think anyone has ever actually said this, as I'm either not that funny, or that would never be a reason for disliking someone. I just really wanted to round out this list with five reasons...

5. Won't hook you up with my friends. Up until about 3 years ago I had almost no female friends. Most of my friends consisted of 35 year old fat dudes in bands, who could probably kick your ass. Now that I have several friends that are women, I'm sorry but I'm not about to expose them to your not-laughing-at-my-jokes-having ass, mostly because they're already in committed relationships, or because I've seen you Axl Rose dancing by yourself in the corner of a dark bar and have been having secret sexual fantasies about you myself.

And that's the story of why I'm a single person.

1 comment:

  1. Please get famous soon and I'll say that I liked you before the rest of the world knew how brilliant you were! Seriously, be president or something.