Thursday, February 14, 2013
I'm gonna die soon
It's been exactly one month since I turned 31 and already my body is plagued with health problems a-plenty. My increasingly bad hearing continues to become increasingly bad (I dare not watch Shameless without the closed caption. I tried to once for 5 seconds and the accent somehow sounded more foreign than an actual foreign language), my eyesight is slipping at a rapid rate, and my back is totally fucked up following 10 months of walking around New York City sidewalks carrying a heavy backpack and telling everyone "my back hurts" but not doing anything about it. All these problems that have been building up over my entire lifetime seemed to just spring up out of nowhere; at this rate I'll be dead in a year!
Getting older is such an bizarre thing for me because I spent so much of my life living in some delusional fantasy land where I never age. I really sort of just thought I could be on drugs and do dangerous shit and never have to pay any bills and just stay 22 forever, but when you manage not to die in spite of all the drugs and dangerous shit you did well then I guess you end up needing reading glasses and those heat patches they sell at Walgreens. When I think about getting even older than I already am I still have a hard time picturing it, though I can certainly see it as a possibility so I guess that's progress (thanks, anti-depressants!) I definitely can't see myself actually having kids, but in my fantasy I skip right past those golden years and straight into crotchety grandma (they call me Grams). I picture me sitting in a rocking chair in a dimly-lit but still totally clean even thought it looks a little dingy (that's just the poor lighting) room, watching TV. My grandkids and their good for nothin' "I know trash when I see it" friends are peeking at me through the window, totally in awe of/disgusted by me.
I will tell them of a time when I myself was young and carefree, a time when life was simple and the days moved just a little bit slower.
That's about as far as I get.