The Make-or-Break Relationship Question Game

A few months ago my boyfriend and I were browsing through descriptions on Netflix in search of a movie to watch. Having just finished the entire series of Spaced for the third time, we were looking for something a little more serious, finally settling on The Loneliest Planet, a film we almost immediately dubbed

This movie sucks huge balls.

The description promises an event so devastating that a young couple's entire relationship becomes compromised in the matter of one second (*upon re-reading the synopsis I've learned that it does not actually say this). Naturally we were like, "Ohhhh, what's gonna happen THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUCKING CRAZY!!!", only to be met with SEVERE disappointment. As it turns out, the "crazy, fucked up, life-changing event" (*again, does not say this) goes down like this:

-hiking, hiking, bla bla, bla wicked boring
-paths cross with group of local, Euro mountain men armed with machine guns
-man points gun at couple
-husband uses wife as human shield FOR LITERALLY ONE SECOND, realizes his mistake, shields wife with own body
-wife makes all sorts of twisty headed, contemplative "who are you...." faces, making a huge deal out of fucking nothing, no one even got shot!

WHAT THE FUCK?! That was the "crazy, you will not even believe what happens, it's seriously like, so fucked up" (*paraphrasing) incident that changes the entire relationship?! I don't know about you, but when I read a synopsis of a film that include the phrases "holy fucking shit", and "you WILL throw up" (*sigh), I expect to see a couple confronted with the prospect of rape, or maybe being shitted on while the other watches, or having to both hold on to the handle of a hammer at the same time while the woman is like "one", and the guy is like "two", and then they're both at the same time like "THREE", and then they have to smash a litter of newborn bulldogs, as a couple, until they're all dead and afterward the guy has one arm around his wife and is just like, dead stare at the terrorists who made them do that, while the wife is just all detached and looking off into the distance and trembling and keeps chirping in tiny whispers "I wanna go home...I just wanna go home", I mean would that have been SO hard, movie?!

So I decided to come up with a little scenario of my own that would have made for a WAY more interesting movie.

So you and your partner are hiking through the Causasus Mountains and you end up crossing paths with a group of local, Euro mountain men armed with machine guns and one of the guys is like:

"OK. So now that we ran into you guys we definitely have to do something that will truly challenge the foundation of your relationship. I'm gonna give you a choice; either I violently rape the woman for 20 minutes, or I gently rape the man...for 2 hours. I'll leave you two alone to discuss."

Now I am in no way trying to make light of a situation so devastating and psychologically damaging as rape, and they wouldn't actually show it so it's not like a "what would you rather watch" type of thing...but come on, this would make a CRAZY movie!! I feel like even more than that it's just a really great way to manipulate your partner into an arguement over an event that didn't actually happen and probably (hopefully) never will. For me personally, I volunteered to take the violent 20 minutes, to which my boyfriend was like "....so that's weird that you thought of this insanely graphic scenario and then immediately volunteered yourself before I even got a chance to think about the question", but the thought of having to sit there for 2 hours, knowing that the man I love is being raped, however gentle it may be, is just not something I could deal with. And that's why I'm better in the relationship. That's why I am better than him.

:)

The Greatest (recent*) Advancements in Technology

*I decided to add "recent" to the title of this post upon realizing that I failed to mention the really important ones like electricity, and cars, because that shit is way boring.

I am the least technologically intuitive person I know. I'm pretty sure I've inherited this trait from my elderly, immigrant mother who still orders me to "pick-em up the phone" when leaving a voice mail, and (I'm almost certain) believes the internet is some kind of door you can knock on to find my brother when he's not answering his phone ("my neighbor having internet, he find him").

Despite the fact that it takes every ounce of capability just to get this blog working, I have noticed a few favorable trends in the area of technology. Here I present to you, The Greatest (recent) Advancements In Technology, according to me.

1. Television.
More specifically, reality television. What I'm trying to say is, Hell's Kitchen. From the cliffhangers just before the commercial breaks (AGHHHHHH!!!!!!!) to the "what do you think Ramsey's gonna be wearing at service tonight?" buzz all over the internet (?), everything about this show makes it the most intense 45 minutes of my life, every week (<--- I'm just gonna go ahead and call bullshit on this statement right now as we all know I'm not tuning in to any shows each week, but rather watching 6 episodes in a row at midnight until I've completed the entire series in 4, determined days). I think if I could "up" the intensity factor in one area of the show however, it would have to be in the kitchen when everyone is cooking. He seems kind of pissy sometimes but come on Ramsey, this is reality television! You're competing with the likes of the YouTube exclusive, KTown for fucks sake; for the most part it's Snoresville up in that kitchen! Basically, I need to see Gordon Ramsey pour soupy risotto into an envelope and mail that shit to another time zone ("GET OUT!!") or I'm just going to have to assume that he's only slightly irritated.

  (for the purpose of this doodle, the part of Gordon Ramsey will be played by Owen Wilson)

2. YouTube.
More specifically, KTOWN!!!!!!! Oh my GGGGGod, I cannot even express with words how much I fucking love this fucking show. It's like Jersey Shore...with Asians! That's actually a tagline for the show, "like Jersey Shore, with Asians." Ahhh, I don't even know where to start. OK, it's about a group of sexy Korean friends and their sexy antics, all of which take place in LA's Koreatown. There's the slutty one, the badass (me), the sweet one, the funny one (also me), and then a bunch of other dudes that I can't remember because they all just look like Bruce Lee anyway, am I right guys? (I am now stomping around the room pulling my eyes into (slantier) slants and talking in bucktooth voice)
This trailer really does not even do the show justice, it is SO much better when you actually watch all 20 episodes in a row, trust me.

And I know a lot of people think I'm making fun of the show when I tell them about it but I swear on my dead Korean grandparents ashes or whatever happened to them that I LOVE THIS SHOW!

3. Sad-face emoticon :(
Sad-face emoticon immediately adds adorability points to any text message, no matter what the content. It can turn a statement like:
I have diarrhea and it got in my hair.
(vomiting)
to:
I have diarrhea and it got in my hair :(
(.....d'awwww, youuu! I can identify with this statement, and I empathize with you.)

4. Instagram.
Pics of dogs being cute, cats being cute, funny signs, and penis graffiti! I'm just excited to have one more thing to direct my attention to and become unhealthily obsessed with, I'm always looking for more of that stuff. I will inevitably hit one of my self-conscious "I've exposed too much of myself, I can't believe I commented on that way more funny and talented writer's photo and expected a response, I'm deleting all my social networks and fucking hiding in my apartment forever, fuck the internet I'll just put out zines, yes that's the ticket, ZINES!!!" moods, and not upload a pic for a whole 2 days but until then, follow me here @thankyourodserling!!

5. 16 Handles.
It's a ton of frozen yogurt and toppings.

.....I feel like I really lost steam on this one.

I'm actually just really excited to post this right now because I just want everyone to watch KTown.

                             (season 1, episode 1. just, you know...just watch it)

NEW SKIT!!!!!!

Here's a new skit written by me, performed by me, my friend Abby Sumner, and Abby's dog Ozzie. Shot on an iphone by Eduardo Silva.

Enjoy!

Krissy Howard: https://twitter.com/OlDirtyBarnacle

Abby Sumner: https://twitter.com/abigalesumner

Eduardo Silva: http://www.eesilva.com/

Tacos El Bronco 2013 calendar

I LOVE my neighborhood. I live in Sunset Park, Brooklyn, and other than my roommate and my landlord, there is nothing about this place I don't like. Safe, quiet streets, super cheap rent, and a giant Chinatown neighborhood 4 blocks away are all strong contenders in the "Best Overall" category in the Sunset Park awards (the "Parkies"), but they all pale in comparison in the glory that is TACOS EL BRONCO.

Tacos El Bronco is the realest of the real Mexican restaurants in Brookyn. I feel like I'm allowed to voice my authority on what constitutes a "real" Mexican place as I've been to probably a hundred little taco joints in actual Mexico and the only difference between those places and this one is that you're allowed (even encouraged) to flush the toilet paper here. I'm talking $1.50 tacos, real. Topless women gracing the covers of Meringue Hits Volume 3 in the jukebox, real. Paper streamers up all fucking year because Mexicans don't need a reason to celebrate, real. But back to the main point- $1.50 tacos?!!! That's like fucking 15 Pesos! It's nothing! So anyhow, this place is the shit and my boyfriend and I eat here at least twice a week and we love it.

So around Christmas I went in for some tacos and they gave me this amazing Tacos El Bronco calendar, which I was SO, SO insanely excited about. Upon immediately running out the door, dropping my bags on the sidewalk and tearing the calendar open, I was met with serious disappointment. It appears some group of people settled on the theme of "baby humans + baby animals", and the result turned out to be one of the more horrific displays of "art" this side of Gallagher.

I give you exhibit A; September 2013.

Obese infant in diaper and towel with tiny duckling in red Tae Kwon Do belt? Because nothing says "back to school" like an obese infant in diaper and towel with tiny duckling in red Tae Kwon Do belt. And the duckling is cocky as all fuck! Sure the red belt is only one away from black but calm the fuck down, it's still a tiny one and so are you!!!

Exhibit B; October 2013

This makes a little more sense to me, as October is commonly associated with Halloween, and this photo immediately conjures up images of some dark, twisted children's nightmare-fantasy. Chicken-baby is stroking the giant egg whilst staring into your soul and holding in a muffled Hannibal Lecter/Sideshow Bob laugh. Why a chicken and a frog? And if they have some sort of feline psychotherapy somewhere this cat should get a scholarship or whatever they give you for free therapy because if ever a face said "I am a victim", it's that one. They need to make awareness bracelets for this poor cat. Maybe he can do a Groupon deal with the dog from

Exhibit C; May 2013.

Propped up on a paper towel, and playing second fiddle to one of the ugliest babies I've ever seen in my life (and don't even start with the "babies are miracles!" bullshit, because you are wrong. Most babies are accidents, not miracles, and not even the good kind of accidents like Post-Its.) This puppy is doomed to live out his days in Resentments City.

Exhibit D; August 2013.

What the fuck? At this point in the shoot the photographer was like "Alright people let's position the bab--ahh, forget it I got one, let's wrap!" By the time I made it down to August in the calendar I had come to the conclusion that the actual waitstaff (and possibly the cooks) at Tacos El Bronco must have produced, photographed and cast this entire project in between deliveries.

And finally, the most redeeming/most disgusting aspect of all,

Exhibit E; July 2013

Tacos El Bronco, stop! Just stop. You put the black baby with a pile of black puppies AND a football??? Come on. This isn't even the most racist offense on the calendar. April's "Fun Baby Fact" states that "All babies-even black ones-have a ruddy complexion. This is because their blood contains a high number of red blood cells."

(long, terribly awkward silence)

How about just "all babies"?

I'm still gonna eat here all the time though.

**Tacos El Bronco, corner of 4th ave and 42nd street in Sunset Park, Brooklyn :)

I'm gonna die soon

It's been exactly one month since I turned 31 and already my body is plagued with health problems a-plenty. My increasingly bad hearing continues to become increasingly bad (I dare not watch Shameless without the closed caption. I tried to once for 5 seconds and the accent somehow sounded more foreign than an actual foreign language), my eyesight is slipping at a rapid rate, and my back is totally fucked up following 10 months of walking around New York City sidewalks carrying a heavy backpack and telling everyone "my back hurts" but not doing anything about it. All these problems that have been building up over my entire lifetime seemed to just spring up out of nowhere; at this rate I'll be dead in a year!

Getting older is such an bizarre thing for me because I spent so much of my life living in some delusional fantasy land where I never age. I really sort of just thought I could be on drugs and do dangerous shit and never have to pay any bills and just stay 22 forever, but when you manage not to die in spite of all the drugs and dangerous shit you did well then I guess you end up needing reading glasses and those heat patches they sell at Walgreens. When I think about getting even older than I already am I still have a hard time picturing it, though I can certainly see it as a possibility so I guess that's progress (thanks, anti-depressants!) I definitely can't see myself actually having kids, but in my fantasy I skip right past those golden years and straight into crotchety grandma (they call me Grams). I picture me sitting in a rocking chair in a dimly-lit but still totally clean even thought it looks a little dingy (that's just the poor lighting) room, watching TV. My grandkids and their good for nothin' "I know trash when I see it" friends are peeking at me through the window, totally in awe of/disgusted by me.

I will tell them of a time when I myself was young and carefree, a time when life was simple and the days moved just a little bit slower.

That's about as far as I get.

Shame on you, NYC.

What the fuck has become of this city?

First I see this in the New York Post.

Don't even get me fucking started on this. Tiny wheels cat? He's not gonna last five seconds in jail. Twisty poodle, I pray for you.

Then I see this in the Metro.

Who is doing racist crimes against this dog?! WHO?!!! What is so unlikable about this dog that you would have to resort to racially charged criminal acts? Is it the smallness of his body compared to the largeness of his head? The tiny beard? The newness of his breed? Mmm hmm, someone is suddenly a little quiet over there all of a sudden, aren't they? Well let me tell you what "tough guy", I can think of another "new" breed that was once discriminated against for calling football "football", and having less distinguished accents than their aggressors. It's a good thing George Washington wasn't an adorable little dog, or we would all be tawkin' like 'is, am e riiight, gubna? (tips hat)

So is my depiction of American history maybe a little less than accurate? Perhaps. And are my sources of news quite possibly not the most reliable, especially the free one?

You are just loving this, aren't you?

Puppies are people too, God dammit.

FUCK. YOU.

NYE resolutions, 2013

I woke up early this morning, the sun shining brightly thorough the blinds. I stayed in bed for a few minutes stretching, my body sore from a much needed yoga practice yesterday evening. I made coffee. I spoke with my love who is currently far away in Los Angeles. I meditated. I feel great. Positive and hopeful, I consulted my ever-trusty online tarot, hoping to find guidance through the new year. I was met with this card:

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!!!! Bound and confused toilet paper girl stumbling through a mummy forest filled with snakes and swords?!!? God dammit.

I'm making resolutions this year.

1. Leave the city more. This year I've left to go upstate for Thanksgiving and Christmas and both times I learned that
a) there are places in the world that don't have Duane Reade on every corner,
b) there are places were Reggaeton isn't blasted from every car (I'm looking at you, Brooklyn!),
and
c) 3 days is exactly how long it takes for the protective "city smell" barrier created by your olfactory organs to break down, rendering you susceptible to pee smells in public places

2. Pay off debts. I've already dubbed this "Winter of Responsibility 12/13" and my main motivation for paying down my debt at this point is to finally put an end to all these fucking phone calls. I know who you are, I know I owe you money, you don't have to call from 4 different numbers--I gotta hand it to you GE Capital, you're tactics do indeed work but still, fuck you. My second motivation is so I can live like an actual, 30 year old adult human, with a checking account that exists anywhere other than the internet, and credit almost decent enough to co-sign a lease (or at least get a checking account). I want out of my apartment. I live in a tiny room in a tiny shit hole under the BQE that smells like a hot Cheetos factory. I have no idea what the fuck my roommate cooks to make it smell so awful, but I'm pretty sure he refers to this in order to make it happen:

3. More "me" time. It became painfully aware to me that I had, at some point, totally dropped the ball  on the "me time" business when my boyfriend went to LA for Christmas and I totally broke down.

me, crying: "But why are you taking your toothbrush out of my apartment?!!!"
him, confused: "......because I need to brush my teeth, honey."
(that conversation actually happened)

I think I need to invest in some of those posters that say things like "jaywalk!" and "go walk a dog...in the rain!", or other such inspirational shit.

4. Call my mother more often. uuuuuuuuugh. Stupid empathy.

5. MAKE MORE! I'm going to make more money this year. I would love to be able to support myself with my dog walking gig, and not depend on my boss to find me work. I hope to freelance more of my work this year. I'm going to make more comedy this year. My writing process has certainly taken a turn for the different, and I hope to keep writing, as well as film a sketch or so a month with my partners up in Binghamton (Ethnot Productions, represent). I'm going to make more friends this year, make more time for the few friends I already do have, make more homemade meals this year (motherfucking CROCKPOT!!), and make more peace with myself this year.

2012 was a really up and down and all over the fucking place year for me. Here's hoping I learned from my past mistakes, or at least learned how to write better jokes about them, and find the humility to remember that any given day in 2013 is just that, just a day in 2013. In 200 years no one will know how pissed off I was that you didn't use your fucking turn signal, you asshole. The stars will keep shining regardless.

Happy New Year!!!!!