Holy fuck, it's August.
The last time I posted anything it was June. Actually, the last time I posted anything it was just a few weeks ago, a bullshit upload of some of my YouTube videos in case prospective employers actually look at my blog, because nothing says "we'll get back to you" like clicking a link that leads you directly to
in letters as big and as black as Shaq's mightily powerful peen itself. Seriously, my Google+ page is just a gallery of posts about dicks and pictures of dicks and drawings of dicks. "Though I work well independently, I feel that my propensity toward collaborative endeavors would make me a welcome addition to any team!"
I haven't been writing much here because I've actually been writing a lot for work. I have two regular, paying writing jobs, and I don't have a lot of practice balancing real-life "pays the bills" day job with freelance "on the side" writing jobs, while still making room for "thing that makes me happy but is steadily becoming less and less of a priority." Day job work has been slow, which I've used as an opportunity to seek out more on the side jobs, and my obsessive, worst case scenario punishment brain has slipped into C.R.E.A.M. overdrive and all I can think about is moneymoneymoneymoneymoney. I constantly tell myself the same two lies:
1. I don't have time to write funny stuff
2. I have to make paid work my priority
As far as not having time, that's just bullshit speak for "i don't fucking feel like it." I have plenty of time. I have time for my flat Asian ass to do a hundred squats, and look at all the photos taking up space on my phone, and take a dozen Buzzfeed-type quizzes (not only am I a "Samantha," but based on only 6 questions, one might guess I'm between 35-55 years of age! And I should live in France! My love language is "quality time!" INTP! etc, etc...) I have time to kiss my dog's face for the duration of all the commercial breaks of all those episodes of Seinfeld I've already seen, I have time to sneak that same dog tiny bites of ice cream sandwiches, and as soon as she starts farting I have more than enough time to google "ice cream sandwiches+dog+poison." I have plenty of time, and not a lot of excuses.
And the getting paid stuff...the getting paid stuff is something I'm kind of navigating my way through, because being an adult who pays for shit in the world kind of forces this issue to remain a priority. I know a lot of writers who won't work for free after their career reaches a certain point as they feel it compromises the integrity of their paid work, and they feel it just kind of lowers the bar for anyone looking to sell their words and ideas and not just allow themselves to be exploited by editors who offer "a great opportunity to receive some exposure." (<--don't get me wrong, not shitting on this, dues are made to be paid.) But I know from experience that writing for free has actually led to the paid jobs I've been fortunate enough to acquire, and it's not like I'm actually at some point in my "career" where I can reasonably refer to myself as hot shit (once that day comes though you better believe I'm gonna be updating my Linked In to "works at Being HOT SHIT, 1982-present!") The truth is I haven't been motivated to write nearly as much in the last couple of years, and the stuff I've had published gaining the widest reach was from like FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO so seriously---
I'm writing this because I need a reality check.
I have been holed up in my apartment, compulsively searching the internet for all types of writing jobs, emailing and cover lettering and sample essaying and grammar testing and word counting and all types of seemingly productive bullshit, but it's motivated by fear and urgency rather than fun and positivity and my brain tells me that if I do this perfectly then all my problems will be solved and it's been GOGOGOGOGOGO! No shit, I"ll be like sweaty and hungry and have had to pee for the last 3 hours and I just could not fucking stop obsessing. Then I met with this guy from my sketch writing class who was like "this cannot be the only thing that happens in your life, nothing is gonna come of you isolating in your apartment for 14 hours at a time," and I was like "oh yeah yeah, for sure," and I continued to keep doing the same shit for another 2 weeks. Finally, what he said to me began to sink in. I tend to do this thing where I think I can figure everything out on my own, by myself, and when it doesn't happen immediately I become discouraged and just hate everything and everyone and stew in jealousy and resentment. I don't give up, but instead place more pressure on myself or whatever thing I'm convinced will make me happy and
So there are some things I need to do to help me reach my goals and I wanna lay them out on here so I can have some amount of accountability to someone, even if it's just myself, because if there's anything more attractive to me than "eating ice cream sandwiches alone in the dark" it's being able to tell someone I did what I said I was gonna do, instead of having to be like "OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!" and then run away. Cuz I got bad knees you guys, and also I just fucking hate running a lot.
1. Find one more paid writing job by October. Just one. It doesn't even have to pay that well, just something to further my experience (<---hey cover letter, whaaat!!) while paying me some money, and allowing me to develop a relationship with one more editor.
2. Have one humor piece published by October. I used to pitch stuff around all the time, and now I just don't. I really want to start again. I will start again.
3. Gain 5 pounds by October. OK, if you're gonna shit all over it and judge me for this one then I would like to personally offer you an invitation to just shut the fuck up instead. We all have our insecurities so BYYYYYE bitch.
That's it! Ir's really not all that much when I lay it out like that, and make the goals small and manageable and not I HAVE TO BECOME A FULLY SELF SUPPORTING PROFESSIONAL HUMOR WRITER BY TOMORROW MORNING AT THE LATEST, SO HELP ME GOD (AND CRAIGSLIST.) <--- :(
So I'ma just leave this here and I'll check back in October. In the meantime I will be posting on here more, because I like it and I miss it and Ms. Woman already barfed like 4 times so now I have all those extra ice cream sandwiches minutes to burn instead.
|generic-ass ice cream sandwiches-stealing dog|
Oh, wait! If you're in the NYC area and are feeling a little stuck somewhere along your creative path, consider buying this guy ---> Nick a coffee and you guys can talk aalllll bout it!