So without giving away too much information, my ex is a huge piece of shit.
Having tastefully stated that, the past few weeks have been rather "feely", mostly of the angry persuasion, and finally ending with the loneliest most desperate Google search since "do babies fart in the womb?" (they don't!)
So this search was provoked by a particularly frustrating detail that I'm choosing not to mention as I am clearly a much more mature, considerate and just all around way less assholey/giant disgusting turd-like person than he is, but basically I was alone in my room, it was late, and I was kind of hungry.
I trusted that the internet would offer me guidance so that I may break all of his windows and burn all of his shit without getting myself arrested, but the internet failed me! Do you want to know what the number one way to get revenge on your ex is, according to the stupid internet?
Move on? I'm sorry, move on? Are you making fun of me right now, internet? Because you and I were both there when I used my 31 year old, self-employed, community college educated fingers to type out the words "how to get revenge on your ex" at 1 o'clock in the morning, weren't we? You know, I think this is just irresponsible on your part, you couldn't have exercised a little consideration before offering me this bullshit response that I already fucking know?! I have friends, internet, human friends, and they all tell me that ALL THE FUCKING TIME! Move on?! What if I went to jail after I read that, internet, that blood would have been on your hands! Moving on is something that inevitably happens after months of calling friends, going to yoga, crying, gaining weight, losing weight, deleting photos, and getting a fucking haircut, I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SNEAK ITCHING POWDER INTO HIS UNDERWEAR, NOW!!!
That wasn't the only advice offered but the rest weren't much better.
-hire a male stripper (can't afford it)
-subscribe him to "weird sex magazines" (i'm getting him gifts now?)
-sign him up for spam (not revenge, and he might find a decent Groupon deal out of it)
-bumper sticker his car (hahahaha! not bad, internet!)
And this warning really burst my bubble anyway :(
- If you hack his Facebook account, there is a good chance that you're breaking the law. Make sure you read up all laws regarding computer crimes in your country.
So the moral of this story is--just watch The Simpsons, it really makes everything better.